Love Ishtoryyy

                                                      

1947, India seek its independence but at the same time had to witness her partition. It was a moment of joy, celebration for independence, but then there was agony of partition.

It was summer of 2004, when I met her for the first time, no violins, no roses, just a panic attack…. "What if she asks  for a coffee?" … I had my own demons to counter, coffees and movies were no nuclear weapons fine but it was her eyes, those solemn eyes, it had that those venom of seriousness which could kill any guy for not making a commitment.
It was hard, for starters it was “The Commitment” .... for someone who has never been sure for his choice for career, committing a lifetime relationship was like traveling to another galaxy via wormhole. One person per life, it’s worse than rolling a dice… what if I made wrong choice?

Independence was destined and it happened, two domino were created, India and Pakistan and then the third was born, their unwanted child, trouble. After Independence, most of the time went on deciding the definition, it started with Seato Cento moved to Afghan War and ended poorly with Kashmir....  but the best part of the narrative was that even after this 3 full-fledged wars they couldn't resolve the definition and left this to the mercy of proxy wars and communal speeches.

By 2005 I was sure that this was not my cup of tea, how one can be so sure about someone? .. i mean How was it possible to not like so many beautiful, lovely, inquisitive people around you and stick to your first choice?…. Be committed to one person? all you life ... huh ... and lastly what if all this charade failed … what if after years of this drama, we realize we were not supposed to be with each other..? but by then it was too late … before I could rationalize my skeptical side, she had happened to me, her thoughts had successfully imbibed in my DNA and had changed the complex design of my though process…  Slowly I started trusting my own instinct, I started realizing it’s just my own faith that I need to trust.

I often questioned her, “ What if you like someone else ? How can you be so sure?”

She said,”I know, you are the only one”

“How ?”

“You know when you heart starts beating little hard that usual, you know when you are happy, more than happy, just by thinking about someone’s face can bring smile and most important you look forward to see that person.…. Its then you know”

 I chuckled, and then I responded “So you feel all of these super-duper mushy mushy stuff when I am with you, and no matter what, you will feel the same even if tomorrow Shahrukh khan comes, you ain’t going to leave my hand, even for a second?” 

 She said “Yes of course, for shahrukh, I have to leave your hand to get his autograph.”

Yeah that was 2005, so selfies were yet to born, Autograph was the yardstick for madness.

Time passed and then we broke up, they say every relation comes with an expiry … mine was too early but then what I advocated all my life was proven true. No relationship lasts.

You started…. No you started, does this kind of discussion makes any sense? For India, its Pakistan who does ceasefire violation and for Pakistan its India.

At the time of partition, what appeared to be easy was quite challenging in real life. Although asking separate state, based on religion was simple but running the state only of religion was impossible. For every broken law there was one religious excuse. More than running state, it was about proving 2 nation theory to be right became the chief most objective.   

I resumed my life, unknown about the fact about my broken life, I started off with great enthusiasm but that spirit was short lived, it was too late for my metabolism, her presence in my life had already imbibed my operating system, normal terms like dating and flirting became adulterated version of happiness. On one hand things were clear: “it was her or her substitute” and on other hand it was confusion: “there is no substitute to her” … I was heading towards annihilation of my sanity and yet I was doing this knowingly.

Over the period of years, whenever new PM was elected, the first thing that took place was the meeting between two heads. They first telephoned and then send envoys. When envoys succeeded, Ministers made plans for rendezvous, after ministers, PM decided to make it official and then finally they call for Summit and time came to sign the joint declaration, they backed off.

And one fine day I messaged her, and then she responded, Hi became hello…… hello gave place to how are you … soon catch up talk became more like daily routine and in next half an hour we started talking as if It was just one day rather than 5 years…... and in no time we were back to 2005. Chat gave room to coffee and coffee were replaced by movies and pop corns, chit chat follows hugs and kisses and suddenly old love got rekindled and at that time she played the litmus test, “ I have to tell you something, I had an affair, we were close, and then we broke up. I wanted to clear the air and don’t want to lie.”

After all in her personal space, she was allowed to do whatever she wanted. She had an affair, and it ended so what big deal. We started again, but within 3 months major distraction came, family.

Since India and Pakistan had claimed their priced freedom, the second biggest joke that has happened since then is the United Nation. UN is one helpless father, who is good for nothing, his kids don’t give a damn, his wife elopes with his best friend. His own father questions his credibility and except that one annual day of celebration, no one remembers him.

One could easily points the audience of the respective countries to be the biggest hurdle. Media anchors are no less than angry uncle, religious group are those blackmailing mothers who threaten to commit suicide. Politicians are those relatives who blabber without iota of knowledge about the pretext of that context and yet they call it as Joint family.

It requires courage to go against your family, but I had to think what her father’s brothers wife’s brother has to say about my mother’s brothers son’s father in law then this whole charade of running behind people is waste of time.

“Can you go against your parents?”

She replied, “No”

We gave it a pass.

We decided we would find suitable matches for ourselves, and will end this story forever, yes marriage was and it will reaming till eternity a holy grail. If marriage had solved problems of millions of Indians, then why not 2 more Indians.

And then for over period of time, we exchanged our disaster choices and proposal, her stories were much funnier, though some were humiliating but mostly they were entertaining.

 “ Yeah her sense of humor reminds me of her” …. “Oh her dressing sense suck, she is just like her” …. “ Oh she doesn’t like such movies…. Hmmm, reminded me of my an old friend” ….. “Oh she is using same perfume..”

And then I realized, it’s not alternative, its just her replacement what I had been trying out for so long.

And then again, India decided to have a composite dialogue, and the chances of getting success are same … zero. The basic problem of this peace area is not US or UN, it’s that the time clock from both the sides is stuck with 1947……. India still treats its counterpart as Pakistan of 1947 and on the other hand the Pakistan is still stuck with the issues of 1947, Kashmir.  Though time has rapidly moved, in last 69 years so much have changed, but yet when these two domino meet, they recreate their 1947 moment again.

Yesterday, I met her again, face to face, walking across, I saw her radiant smile, I asked her for coffee, and she said yes. We did a quick catch up for last 3 years, and in no time, we were back to 2005. And then she said, “I have something to tell you, I had an affair, around year ago, how about you?”

I think just like Pakistan, my clock is stuck... and no matter what my response will be constant.

I have to fall in the loop to ensure loop works.

TRUE ROMANCE

                                    TRUE ROMANCE

                                   Lust is pure, love is Subjective

I lied, i denied, i refused to accept ....yes it was infidelity  and yes she was my mistake...... who would have thought that what started as a momentary fling,  later on will become truth of my life.

I was young, naive, thought this is part of life, even considered this to be a virtue and by the time i realized, i had already walked miles, and there was no looking back, the only thing kept ticking was the left within me, guilt: guilt of hiding the fact, guilt of keeping her a secret from my loved ones, for not having courage to embrace her in front of this so-called society.... a bond of companionship was now the reason of my seclusion.

It was a betrayal, betrayal of my conscious, what began as love was now a mere addiction, there was no equality, there was master and then there was slave, yes I was her slave; and i had no shame accepting that. I needed her more than ever and she completed me. Though the urge of having her made me insignificant but then i was ready to make any sacrifice for her. I was ready to kill my ego, my sole integrity for existence, for sake of her brightened face, which was like a ball of fire within the gigantic view of cosmic world.

She gave meaning to my life, It was her company who gave alternative to my mundane boredom, holding her in my hand made me felt complete... she was the complementing fact of my creative side, and  then time came when it was either her or nothing.

Realization occurred, i had to make a tough choice, and moment by moment it was becoming challenging. This relationship had made me rather more of a crippled rather than a dependant entity.

Amid of this agony of being virtually handicapped, the icing on the cake was my justification for her seduction, my conscious effort to deny my feelings, i was still looking out for her support and yet i was denying.

I controlled myself from visiting her...and later i convinced myself that there can be life without
indulging in her company and then finally i got her out of my system.

I felt relaxed, there was no guilt , no lying .. no more excuses,  ... i was more than active, more than fresh and suddenly life became fun until i dint hit my moment of weakness.

It was raining like hell and i was standing there on the bus stop, waiting for my bus to come. It was pouring badly and the urge of seeing her was at its pinnacle ....one last time, just one last time. I was thinking aloud, concentrating the falling of water droplets in slow motion from the edges of an umbrella... i was unable to decide, whether to walk away or wait for bus... and then i decided what any story writer in Indian film would have done, i flipped the coin... best of three became best of five and insanity became armature behavior.  

It was simple, i wanted to feel her once, after all, one time is no such crime, that’s what logical brain was debating with the emotional one... but then emotional side one was already in awe of her and was against the idea of being away from her.

One thing led to another and once became twice then thrice and no time, i was back to the usual routine.

Quitting was never easy and it never will be, more than quitting her it was that moment of weakness which is hard to quit.

Disclaimer: All this while i was taking about Drinking and Smoking.... All those who have thought other way round please read this again.   

No Cigarette and alcohol were used during the making of this piece of shit – Issued in the interest of health ministry.