Sunday, March 19, 2017

U.G  Relived

End of a slumber; rise from ashes; it’s a game cant keep resting for long.
Tried so many things, failed almost every time but never got dithered, probably the reasons I chose were wrong, probably!!!!
Life is no assignment, need to finish with A+ grade or getting F will make you repeat the game, it’s surely a journey, journey of narratives, small, big, significant, unnecessary, reasonable and sometimes thought provoking.

There need not to be any meaning correlated with my action I do… with my choices I make … with the things I like …… and yes I don’t want to find any;  and that’s the time one hits boredom, so do I, and then I think of something better…….. better and much more exciting………. better exciting and some how useful …. And again this better exciting and useful action becomes monotonous: what a pity, life is a bitch!!!

So again its same old boring routine, probably once again I had opted for wrong reason or is this part of my karmic cycle: I need to get bored…… I am …. damn it, I am bored, bored of faces, bored of their facts, unnecessary concerns, uncanny lifestyle, over the top spirituality  …… but still excitement is necessary for survival.

Life has no purpose, as UG said, I m no better than dog or that rat, I don’t need pied piper, what I need is the strength to sustain this monotonous phase till the time I am destined to breathe.

End is not in my hand, and making end better is defiantly something I am keen of, but then what else I can do which can make me busy??, probably I should stop looking out for new things and reconcile with the fact that happiness is a myth, passion is whore, being ambitious is like suffering from syphilis, spirituality is a con man’s game and Gurus and Gods are not required to sustain.       

Take a glass, pour some wine, make your joint and get high, will think about life once hangover is OVER!!!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

              Story of a LPG

There was a time when i was luxury but now after this “lotera from Gujarat” came to south block, I became the stupid meaningless household entity. Once i use to feel elated about my reputation, I was superior, and I won’t mince my words but i use to look down to my competitors, especially  kerosene but then this mad king came and started giving me to everyone .... now i sit there in slums, burn myself day and night and thing about the decade lost in glory.

It all started in 2003, i was priced at 241 INR but then India witnessed the best PM, Mr. Economist and my take home was 281 INR, not everyone can be good in economics so let me put this in percentage.... this was a Hike of 16.38%.  it was a fantastic, considering last time i had seen my value increased was 2000 as then I was priced at 232... so practically this was first time post 2000 that something significant happened… and by 2004 I was officially 241.

It was UPA-I, the fame was short lived, for next 4 years i was struggling to make any relevance in the Domestic house hold but then in 2008 miracle happened i got salary hike and this time i got priced at 346, jump of 23.14%, it was indeed surreal. But this fame was short lived, recession happened and soon most of us were out of Job and rest of us had to take pay cut and by 2009 i was back to my previous grade, 281 INR.

Things change and in 2010, with the jump of 23.14%, i was back in the game, priced at 345 INR, I was happy, I felt superior to most of them, it was then Mr Economist realized my potential and salary hike became regular. By 2012 i got priced at 399, with a 17% hike, I felt untouchable and there was no looking back … in another 6 months i got another hike by now my CTC was 410….but then every phase has an end, 2014 election happened and the Thug from Gujarat became PM of India.

A radical by heart, he evoked sentiments, brainwashed people to give away their subsidy, and it was the first blow to my panache.... if this was not enough he gave communal angle and for the first time my worth was divided between Upper salary and lower salary people. If this was not enough, this maut ka saudhagar gave away me like a freebie to rural India, what right he had to treat me like this? from "a thing" of 3 BHK I have been reduced to place holder in some 500sqft slumboard authority place. People who couldn't afford toilets started using me, from being symbol of getting vote, i was reduced to just another household entity.

Then 2015 happened, they decided to give me hike, i was happy, but when the appraisal letter came, it shocked me, mere 1.7% pay hike, they removed the variable component by using vicious aadhar.....this was first Single digit hike of my career, i was shattered being priced at 417.
i thought my relevance has gone, missing yesteryears glory, i started sulking and missing the love I use to get from Mr. Economist, who always appreciated my value and always gave me double digit hike.

In 2016 i put my papers, i could not take it anymore, … good sense prevailed and they decided for market correction, but when I looked at the appraisal mail, it was 3% hike (well i call this peanuts) by now my CTC of 432.

Its 2017 and i have received another hike letter, it’s shameful to discuss in public, but i need to share and make all of you feel my pain, a 0.4% hike is lesser than what the stupid regulator gets… with revised CTC of 434 rupees, i feel like hiding my face behind some cupboard.
 Now my only hope 2019. I wish Mr. Economist comes to power and i get my dues. I have asked my friend to stage a protest, sharing forwards at facebook, confuse everyone with the prices of commercial, subsidies and non-subsidized.

This is not just my fight, it’s fight of all secular minded people who believes that actual liberal mind knows how to defy equality.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Ae Dil hai Mushkil -

Ae Dil Hai Mushkil

ADHM is Karan Johars 7th directorial venture, and probably the first that could enter the 100 Crore club. Not that these numbers makes any difference, but considering its a multiplex movie, it do reflect footfalls and fans.

Surprisingly So far none of his movie has garnered great footfalls, and except KKHH rest all have been Semi Hit or just Hit. In-spite of these bad numbers, KJO is Indians most celebrated Director?
Difference between good movie and a bad movie is the editing of 20 minutes, but if you have 45 min of unwanted content is not bad editing, it’s a case of bad Direction and Kabhi Alvida was the finest example of what one should never do.

In KJOs world, story takes the back seat, well that's the case with most of the directors, but KJO goes a step ahead, In johars' world story, logic, common sense, common flu, viral just do not exist. In fact, he believes these are some remote concept which can hamper his relation with his characters.

So ADHM is more or less like this: SRK loves Ash, who loves RK who has ones sided love for Anushka whose love interest is Fawad Khan …. And everyone knows Fawad loves Pakistan :)

Cut to 1978, Dilawar loves Zohra, Zohras’ love interest is Sikandar but Sikandars' one sided love is his childhood sweetheart, his Madamjee but Madamjee loves Vishal ....but unlike ADHM, Vishal has a role to play because director is Prakash Mehra.

No No i am not comparing the Classic ADHM with Muqaddar ka Sikandar(MKS), just giving a perspective how we use to address "one sided love issues" before the Messenger of love, Johar was not born.

Since KJO believes in character than in the relevance of Plot, story, reasons, logic... so lets stick to that [cardboard characters] for sake of simplicity and humanity.

Ranbir Kapoor - You reject a politician on Development he turns towards communal politics, you reject an actor for his performance he gets into gimmicks.
Jordon turned Barfi who ended up as Dev from Tamasha finds himself as the same old retard guy from Ajab Prem ki Gajab... who sobs like a baby, lie down on the pavement like a kid who has lost his lollypop. here he lost his heart.  What baffled me was the same guy, in same situation, travels to  Kashmir, help Nargis marry some dude from Prague  (Rockstar) looks completely lost and mentally challenged while wearing stole as head gear and singing Channa meriya.

Anushka - She is Indias answer to Jim Carrey although Jim uses his expression in comic scenes, which is relevant, however, Anusha does this as an exercise of futility to bring the acting charm in her lack luster acts. The "character" reminds you of Veronica from Cocktail[Tomboyish], but then this gal is heartbroken so you want glimpse of sadness in her eyes, which you can’t see as her face is preoccupied with 1 million expressions, changing every nano second and keeping track is just impossible. By all means, Anushka is good for only Band Baja bharat.

As if the miseries of life were not over, this time johar decided taking the toughest job in hand, spoof 80s. Sorry it dint worked.

Ash -  Never been fan of her work (Except Khakhi) but this time it was different. In one scene when three of them sit for a dinner, it as class, persona, beauty oozing out at one end and Anushka, like a Black hole absorbing at another end....  It was like standing on Bandra Reclamation, having Darawi on your right and BKC on your left.

Never ever i have felt that Ash could be the "only" saving grace for any movie except for her real life story with Abhishek Bachchan. As soon she enters, she sizzles the screen.... soon scenes turn into Mushayara, she starts bombarding RK and audience with her Urdu, ....beyond a point it looked like watching Meher Tarar doing Aman ki Asha. "Mera pyaar Kaamil hai" ... Now who the hell is kamil, you said your ex Husbands' name is Tahir..... Misunderstanding between her name and profession was supposed to be funny but considering sad state of our understanding of Urdu it became tragic because 90% of audience was as confused as much RK was.

One of the finest scene is between Ash and SRK ....and you want to see that more n more, although its not the best of their performances but the ghost of RK and AS coming back and playing SplitsVilla is so dreadful that it can send shivers down your spine.

In that scene, Srk makes a statement "Alfozon ke peeche aksar Kamzoor log chupte hain"

This line basically summarizes Ashwariya Rai Bachchans role in the movie, "Pointless". Honestly as per theory of this genre, her character was supposed to bring the reckoning to RKs character but her part ends in 10 min like a task from fear factor and on that note the refreshing part of this movie comes to an end.

Only when you thought that RK has met AS again and movie will end any minute now, MTV coke studio season 2 starts, with their head gears on they start singing n dancing in random clubs.

Movie ensures you won’t think of climax, because for you, movie has already ended half an hour ago and now you are just waiting for door to open so that you can run, run for your life to breathe in some fresh air.

PS : One of the most enjoyable part is of Lisa Haydons' bimbo act but even that fails as none of her co-star responded well.
Digs on 80s cinema were more pathetic than Sajid khans attempt to re-make Himmatwalla. Its better to watch Ekta Kapoor serial than ADHM.

Karan Johar is to Direction what Shobha De is to writing.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Bombay Velvet

Bombay Velvet --- just one word, Surprised.

I am surprised why critics called this as disaster ... i am surprised that finally India had guts to have its own authentic Noir drama.

Many would be knowing that 50s was era of Noir, post that it was 90s when Hollywood recreated Noir era once again with stylish frames and contemporary narrations. One man who had put his stamp on this Genre was Martin Scorsese, Good fellas, Casino were the best and following that was Kevin Spaceys  LA confidential.

What AK did with BV was the clinical precision treatment with bad actors. The soul remains pure but it was body that was flawed.

Movie Genre are as good as Newtons Theorem,  you cannot redefine it as per your convenience.
A Noir should have a struggling Mobster who wants to become godfather, "The Master"; a local thug who becomes mobster, "Apprentice"  ... and then there has to be emotion where greed crosses over loyalty and lastly there has to be SEX in its theme, most important element of Noir.

Noir remains pointless without having the element of Sex. The same reason LA Confidential was about 2 police officers, Master and apprentice chasing Sex Syndicate.

Kashyap incorporates everything, he Has Master in Khambata and Apprentice in Jhonny and voyeurism by dull chemistry between Rosy and Jhonny.

Bombay Velvet starts on a very high note, it describes 50s Bombay in a very stylish manner but as soon as first half is done, second half fails to deliver the powerful reaction which is a pre-requisit of any Noir film.

The primary reason to the failure would be KJo as Khambhata. He was hands down the worst choice. His persona and looks were just superb but his voice had zero impact, in short he was not at all convincing DON.

Some of the most crucial scenes were ruined because of miscast, he looked like a sophisticated gentleman which is fine,  but that gentleman needs to be cunning and convincing. Just to put a perspective, such roles were done by Robert De Niro or Alpachino which Kashyap sheepishly offered to Kjo.

The most tricky part was to decide the story track for Rosey. She should be integral part of the movie yet her characterization needs to be of a trophy women, a mistress who is of no purpose. Kashyap directs Rosey with flying colors. He maintains the balance with effortlessly but somehow the conviction of her chemistry is like dead meat.

Overall movie is not a disaster but could have been much much better.

Kashyap could have easily incorporated the Cotton mill issue in much greater depth. He could have stressed more on the transformation of  60s Bombay into financial Capital .... the sad part is that Script of BV has all these elements but then Kashyap confines himself to only characters of Jhonny and Khambata and misses the most important character, BOMBAY

Monday, August 24, 2015

Love Ishtoryyy


1947, India seek its independence but at the same time had to witness her partition. It was a moment of joy, celebration for independence, but then there was agony of partition.

It was summer of 2004, when I met her for the first time, no violins, no roses, just a panic attack…. "What if she asks  for a coffee?" … I had my own demons to counter, coffees and movies were no nuclear weapons fine but it was her eyes, those solemn eyes, it had that those venom of seriousness which could kill any guy for not making a commitment.
It was hard, for starters it was “The Commitment” .... for someone who has never been sure for his choice for career, committing a lifetime relationship was like traveling to another galaxy via wormhole. One person per life, it’s worse than rolling a dice… what if I made wrong choice?

Independence was destined and it happened, two domino were created, India and Pakistan and then the third was born, their unwanted child, trouble. After Independence, most of the time went on deciding the definition, it started with Seato Cento moved to Afghan War and ended poorly with Kashmir....  but the best part of the narrative was that even after this 3 full-fledged wars they couldn't resolve the definition and left this to the mercy of proxy wars and communal speeches.

By 2005 I was sure that this was not my cup of tea, how one can be so sure about someone? .. i mean How was it possible to not like so many beautiful, lovely, inquisitive people around you and stick to your first choice?…. Be committed to one person? all you life ... huh ... and lastly what if all this charade failed … what if after years of this drama, we realize we were not supposed to be with each other..? but by then it was too late … before I could rationalize my skeptical side, she had happened to me, her thoughts had successfully imbibed in my DNA and had changed the complex design of my though process…  Slowly I started trusting my own instinct, I started realizing it’s just my own faith that I need to trust.
I often questioned her, “ What if you like someone else ? How can you be so sure?”
She said,”I know, you are the only one”
“How ?”
“You know when you heart starts beating little hard that usual, you know when you are happy, more than happy, just by thinking about someone’s face can bring smile and most important you look forward to see that person.…. Its then you know”
 I chuckled, and then I responded “So you feel all of these super-duper mushy mushy stuff when I am with you, and no matter what, you will feel the same even if tomorrow Shahrukh khan comes, you ain’t going to leave my hand, even for a second?” 
 She said “Yes of course, for shahrukh, I have to leave your hand to get his autograph.”
Yeah that was 2005, so selfies were yet to born, Autograph was the yardstick for madness.
Time passed and then we broke up, they say every relation comes with an expiry … mine was too early but then what I advocated all my life was proven true. No relationship lasts.

You started…. No you started, does this kind of discussion makes any sense? For India, its Pakistan who does ceasefire violation and for Pakistan its India.

At the time of partition, what appeared to be easy was quite challenging in real life. Although asking separate state, based on religion was simple but running the state only of religion was impossible. For every broken law there was one religious excuse. More than running state, it was about proving 2 nation theory to be right became the chief most objective.   

I resumed my life, unknown about the fact about my broken life, I started off with great enthusiasm but that spirit was short lived, it was too late for my metabolism, her presence in my life had already imbibed my operating system, normal terms like dating and flirting became adulterated version of happiness. On one hand things were clear: “it was her or her substitute” and on other hand it was confusion: “there is no substitute to her” … I was heading towards annihilation of my sanity and yet I was doing this knowingly.

Over the period of years, whenever new PM was elected, the first thing that took place was the meeting between two heads. They first telephoned and then send envoys. When envoys succeeded, Ministers made plans for rendezvous, after ministers, PM decided to make it official and then finally they call for Summit and time came to sign the joint declaration, they backed off.

And one fine day I messaged her, and then she responded, Hi became hello…… hello gave place to how are you … soon catch up talk became more like daily routine and in next half an hour we started talking as if It was just one day rather than 5 years…... and in no time we were back to 2005. Chat gave room to coffee and coffee were replaced by movies and pop corns, chit chat follows hugs and kisses and suddenly old love got rekindled and at that time she played the litmus test, “ I have to tell you something, I had an affair, we were close, and then we broke up. I wanted to clear the air and don’t want to lie.”

After all in her personal space, she was allowed to do whatever she wanted. She had an affair, and it ended so what big deal. We started again, but within 3 months major distraction came, family.

Since India and Pakistan had claimed their priced freedom, the second biggest joke that has happened since then is the United Nation. UN is one helpless father, who is good for nothing, his kids don’t give a damn, his wife elopes with his best friend. His own father questions his credibility and except that one annual day of celebration, no one remembers him.

One could easily points the audience of the respective countries to be the biggest hurdle. Media anchors are no less than angry uncle, religious group are those blackmailing mothers who threaten to commit suicide. Politicians are those relatives who blabber without iota of knowledge about the pretext of that context and yet they call it as Joint family.

It requires courage to go against your family, but I had to think what her father’s brothers wife’s brother has to say about my mother’s brothers son’s father in law then this whole charade of running behind people is waste of time.
“Can you go against your parents?”
She replied, “No”
We gave it a pass.

We decided we would find suitable matches for ourselves, and will end this story forever, yes marriage was and it will reaming till eternity a holy grail. If marriage had solved problems of millions of Indians, then why not 2 more Indians.

And then for over period of time, we exchanged our disaster choices and proposal, her stories were much funnier, though some were humiliating but mostly they were entertaining.

 “ Yeah her sense of humor reminds me of her” …. “Oh her dressing sense suck, she is just like her” …. “ Oh she doesn’t like such movies…. Hmmm, reminded me of my an old friend” ….. “Oh she is using same perfume..”

And then I realized, it’s not alternative, its just her replacement what I had been trying out for so long.
And then again, India decided to have a composite dialogue, and the chances of getting success are same … zero. The basic problem of this peace area is not US or UN, it’s that the time clock from both the sides is stuck with 1947……. India still treats its counterpart as Pakistan of 1947 and on the other hand the Pakistan is still stuck with the issues of 1947, Kashmir.  Though time has rapidly moved, in last 69 years so much have changed, but yet when these two domino meet, they recreate their 1947 moment again.

Yesterday, I met her again, face to face, walking across, I saw her radiant smile, I asked her for coffee, and she said yes. We did a quick catch up for last 3 years, and in no time, we were back to 2005. And then she said, “I have something to tell you, I had an affair, around year ago, how about you?”

I think just like Pakistan, my clock is stuck... and no matter what my response will be constant.
I have to fall in the loop to ensure loop works.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

                                    TRUE ROMANCE
                                   Lust is pure, love is Subjective
I lied, i denied, i refused to accept ....yes it was infidelity  and yes she was my mistake...... who would have thought that what started as a momentary fling,  later on will become truth of my life.

I was young, naive, thought this is part of life, even considered this to be a virtue and by the time i realized, i had already walked miles, and there was no looking back, the only thing kept ticking was the left within me, guilt: guilt of hiding the fact, guilt of keeping her a secret from my loved ones, for not having courage to embrace her in front of this so-called society.... a bond of companionship was now the reason of my seclusion.

It was a betrayal, betrayal of my conscious, what began as love was now a mere addiction, there was no equality, there was master and then there was slave, yes I was her slave; and i had no shame accepting that. I needed her more than ever and she completed me. Though the urge of having her made me insignificant but then i was ready to make any sacrifice for her. I was ready to kill my ego, my sole integrity for existence, for sake of her brightened face, which was like a ball of fire within the gigantic view of cosmic world.

She gave meaning to my life, It was her company who gave alternative to my mundane boredom, holding her in my hand made me felt complete... she was the complementing fact of my creative side, and  then time came when it was either her or nothing.

Realization occurred, i had to make a tough choice, and moment by moment it was becoming challenging. This relationship had made me rather more of a crippled rather than a dependant entity.
Amid of this agony of being virtually handicapped, the icing on the cake was my justification for her seduction, my conscious effort to deny my feelings, i was still looking out for her support and yet i was denying.

I controlled myself from visiting her...and later i convinced myself that there can be life without
indulging in her company and then finally i got her out of my system.

I felt relaxed, there was no guilt , no lying .. no more excuses,  ... i was more than active, more than fresh and suddenly life became fun until i dint hit my moment of weakness.

It was raining like hell and i was standing there on the bus stop, waiting for my bus to come. It was pouring badly and the urge of seeing her was at its pinnacle last time, just one last time. I was thinking aloud, concentrating the falling of water droplets in slow motion from the edges of an umbrella... i was unable to decide, whether to walk away or wait for bus... and then i decided what any story writer in Indian film would have done, i flipped the coin... best of three became best of five and insanity became armature behavior.  

It was simple, i wanted to feel her once, after all, one time is no such crime, that’s what logical brain was debating with the emotional one... but then emotional side one was already in awe of her and was against the idea of being away from her.
One thing led to another and once became twice then thrice and no time, i was back to the usual routine.
Quitting was never easy and it never will be, more than quitting her it was that moment of weakness which is hard to quit.
Disclaimer: All this while i was taking about Drinking and Smoking.... All those who have thought other way round please read this again.   
No Cigarette and alcohol were used during the making of this piece of shit – Issued in the interest of health ministry.